Are you a friend?

I have had many things to be joyful about. I was one of the honorees celebrated during the 50^th Anniversary of the Milwaukee Community Journal.  We got the squatters out. I left my house in Chicago to travel to Milwaukee only to find out I was in Gary, Indiana, not Milwaukee.  This was a lesson in communication and in having a network of people who cared enough about me to help me get back home.  I have been thinking about several of my friends who have made it to the 50-year mark as a couple.  The only people I knew to have achieved this feat were my great-aunt and uncle.  But since then, I’ve met several couples who have.  What do they all have in common? They speak about being friends.  When I heard that, I asked, “Was my spouse my friend?”  The answer was always no.  While we both brought a lot to the table, we were not friends.  We were convenient, respectful, but not friends.  I would say that my mate was not loyal, and that was interpreted as unfaithful.  But loyalty means each person acts in the other’s best interest.  The loyalty I saw was to one’s friends and not to one’s mate.  My mother would say you need someone else not when you are young, but when you are old.  Who wipes your butt when you have had surgery on your shoulder and lack the mobility to do so for yourself?  Who shares what they have with you?  I love seeing that couples aren’t defined as male-female.  Who is loyal to you, your friend, and shares with you?  I encourage you to look around you. At the people who are couples and what they have in common.  The expression is, there is no peace if mama is not happy.  There is a lot to be said about that.  Mama leads the unit’s culture. She is the planner, and her mate helps her execute what is in the unit’s interest.  In Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, published in 2006, psychologist Dr. Robin Smith addresses the “unspoken needs, unasked questions, outrageous expectations, and hidden agendas that often linger beneath the surface of wedding vows and later cause power struggles, suffering, and feelings of hopelessness in marriages.”

Many of us lie at the altar.  We say what we will do in our vows.   But we are lying.  We are willing to do what is comfortable.  We say what people expect us to say.  But we choose to ignore many signals. I am glad that couples are willing to cross racial, ethnic, and gender lines to come back to who our friend is, who is loyal.  What are the characteristics that are meaningful?  It is certainly not who is cute, who looks like a cute couple because they are made for a magazine shoot.  Is it the person who will go on a foodie run with you and you sit in the car and eat rib tips, and lick your fingers?  You try not to drop barbecue sauce on the upholstery, but “oh well.” Are we trying to impress our neighbors or the church?  We are there because we are loyal, and we would be nowhere else.  For some, it is easier to get another mate than to apologize and do better.  I am not an expert in relationships.  I keep learning as I observe others.  I am continuing to learn.  There are loyal people amongst us.  There is no chaos, no drama. It is peaceful in our space.  We listen carefully, and we find joy in seeing others who are joyful. People say it takes a lot of work.  What are they talking about?  They are not trying to control the other person’s actions. That is love. That is loyalty. That is a friend.  Join me, The Joyful Doctor.  Let me know how you seek joy or what I can contribute to your joy.  Call me at (414)581-1569 or email perinatalcenter@aol.com.