Before You Text ‘What Happened?’— 4 Things You Should NEVER Say To Someone Going Through A Divorce 4

Divorce is rarely simple, and if someone close to you is in the middle of one, your words can either support them or unintentionally add to their pain as they grieve the loss of their relationship. Both experts and social media users agree that certain comments can do more harm than good. Below are a few remarks to avoid, and what you can say instead to genuinely help someone navigate this difficult transition.

1. “What happened?”

When someone confides in you about their divorce, it’s worth asking yourself whether your response serves them or simply satisfies your own curiosity. This frequently asked question, for instance, is “more about your curiosity, and not so much about your compassion,” said Andrea Hipps, a divorce coach and author of The Best Worst Time of Your Life, in a Nov. 12 interview with Time. As she notes, it’s complicated because “there’s hardly ever a singular reason for what happened,” adding, “Everything and nothing happened.”

Often, people lean toward this question as a way to reassure themselves about their own marriage. It subtly communicates, as Hipps puts it: “If it can happen to you, it could happen to me… so tell me all the things that happened so I can avoid them.”

A more supportive alternative might be, “Thank you for bringing me in on this hard news. I’ll be careful with it.” Another gentle option, “This is so much—your mind must be spinning.” Both give your friend room to share if they choose, without pressure.

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