For Intimate Partner Violence Survivors, a Get-Out Toolkit

Over the last six weeks, a deadly spate of intimate partner violence against Black women has exploded into the headlines, causing shock, horror, and dismay. A common question often follows: Why did they stay? 

When leaving abusive relationships, however, experts say safety is far from a given — and it requires a strategy.

And Black women — who face higher rates of intimate partner violence, a weakened safety net with fewer resources and narrower margins for escape — having an exit plan focused on safety is often the difference between survival and tragedy. In fact, experts say, the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is the moment they decide to leave.

‘The Issue is Resources’

“You’re Black, you’re a domestic violence survivor, and maybe you’re poor,” says Gretta Gardner, chief legal and program officer for Ujima, The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community. “You start below the bar before you even get in the door.”

The narrative that Black men are more violent towards Black women “is not the issue,” says Gardner.  “The issue is resources. When you give women resources, we’ll use them. If we don’t have them, we have two choices—we either stay… or we die, or we kill our abuser to stay safe.” 

How to Leave Safely: A Practical Guide

• Make a plan.
  Identify trusted people who can help or offer a place to stay. Prepare an emergency bag with ID, medications, cash, keys, and essential documents.
• Time your exit.
  Leave when your partner is least likely to notice. Don’t announce your plans, and map out more than one escape route.
• Protect your privacy.
  Use a secure cellphone or device to research help, clear your browsing history, and turn off location services. Avoid posting your plans online.
• Arrange transportation.
  Keep your car ready or line up a ride or transit option in advance. If your car has a GPS tracking service, get the tracking settings changed. 
• Get support.
  If you’re in danger, call 911. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233); chat (TheHotline.org); or text START to 88788 for confidential help.
• Secure your future.
  Seek a protective order, set aside money, and gather key financial records. Keep a copy of your protective order in your car, on your person, and at your office. 
• Stay alert.
  Change locks, vary routines, and stay connected to people who can help keep you safe.

Nearly 30% of women and 17% of men report experiencing intimate partner violence, or IPV, in their lifetimes. Black women, however, experience it at a much higher rate: four in 10 say they have been abused by a partner in their lifetimes. And while Black women make up around 7% of the U.S. population, they account for roughly 31% of all IPV homicides nationwide.

Clear, Decisive, Precise

While recent murders of  Eusther Toussaint, Barbara Deer, Nancy Metayer, and Dr. Cerina Wanzer Fairfax — all within a 30-day span — were terrifying, Gardner and other advocates say knowing when and how to leave, or helping a loved one do so, is a delicate, emotionally fraught process. But the timing and process, experts say, must be clear, decisive, and precise. 

Research shows many IPV survivors acknowledge they saw signs they were in danger, from their partner’s escalated verbal, psychological, and physical abuse to blunt death threats. Some survivors report their partners thwarted their attempts to get help, using psychological or emotional manipulation. Others, however, say they barely escaped the situation. 

Often, the process starts with a gut-check conversation the victim has with a trusted person, or themselves. 

‘Those Are the Signs’

Rev. Sheila Poynter Johnson, a licensed psychoanalyst and CEO of Harlem Family Services, says that conversation can be crucial for an IPV victim to determine if a relationship “is bad enough to leave.” 

“I would say, ‘If you feel confused or afraid or diminished or constantly on edge, that is enough.’ Those are the signs,” she says. “You don’t need visible bruises to justify your desire for peace. And emotional harm is real. Controlling is real, and coercion is real harm. So, you are allowed to choose calm and get out of there.”

Since leaving a violent intimate relationship is often the most dangerous time for a survivor, and the system often responds too late — or not at all — safety becomes something survivors have to build for themselves. IPV counselors, experts, and advocacy organizations say the path out starts with a plan: one that accounts for timing, risk, and the reality of just how dangerous leaving can be.

Empathy and Survival

For women who seem stuck in a violent relationship, however, Johnson says, they need empathy — first and foremost. 

“[Say] I believe you. That’s what the community does,” says Johnson. “Say, ‘it wasn’t your fault, and your body did what you needed, what it needed to survive. And when we approach people like that, the entire nervous system just calms down, because what’s acceptance.”

To be clear, Johnson says: staying in an abusive relationship is a sign of survival, not weakness. 

“I really want to emphasize the strength of these women,” Johnson says. “It takes strength to survive this. And you know, black women are master survivors. Now it’s time that we master safety.”

Resources

FindHelp
https://www.auntbertha.com/

National Domestic Violence hotline
(800) 799-SAFE (7233); chat (TheHotline.org); or text START to 88788

National Network to End Domestic Violence
https://nnedv.org/ 

Ujima, The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community.
https://ujimacommunity.org/  

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