This 'Summer House' Reunion Is More Like a Horror Movie

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There's a horror movie I saw once at a friend's house, like seventh in the franchise. It was a sleepover really, and he wasn't a friend — he was the first boy in my class to grow body hair and a mustache and he had muscles from playing soccer. I used to sit on his garage couch and swing my legs and comment that he and his brother were really good at Halo.

I was better than both at Smash Bros., where I'd whoop them as Zelda and act demure about it.

Anyway, about that horror movie franchise. It starred this rotating friend group of about a dozen who'd rent a summer house each year. Somehow, each summer, one of their friends or friends of friends or enemies from a rival party house would get murdered. It was never the same killer, except that two movie arc where it was and they brought back a bunch of old cast members and the lady cop who caught the killer the first time.

In this particular movie, two of the friends are getting a divorce. Her bestie and her bestie's ex are also there, and they had a horrible fight two movies prior after their other friend was almost strangled in the pool house by the bestie's ex's friend's friend. So there they all are, watching this married couple break up. The besties are consoling each other through the murder while figuring out their identities and the kind of women they want to be against a backdrop of terror.

That bestie's ex? Well, he ends up fucking the bestie's bestie after her marriage fully implodes. It's big drama. The killer comes in and makes a whole mess of the reveal, and the friend's leave the summer with about as many fractured relationships as corpses in the morgue. (Including that lady cop, so sad.)

The weird thing? Summer House (it's the seventh installment but also soft-reboot) is a sort of meta-mentary, and the entire thing is filmed like a reality show. We discover the whole thing we watched was a recreation of events played by fictional actors, like that one season of American Horror Story with Trixie Mattel and a less famous pop star, Lady Gaga. The final scene is this pseudo-roundtable discussion with the actor's about the film, except this time, the killer does show up and massacres all of them except the lady cop actress, who we find out is the twin sister of the actual lady cop from the first film and its sequel: Endless Summer House Vacation.

Very Ryan Murphy of the filmmakers. The film ends on a cliffhanger where the lady cop's twin shows up at her sister's house in the woods in the footage. It's been so long since I saw the films — I was in middle school and sitting on that couch playing Halo, remember? — but I do remember what they wore at the roundtable.

Shall we?

Andy Cohen

I love when Andy Cohen gets playful in his suiting. I love it even more when the playfulness comes coated in candy. What I love less is the low effort t-shirt, which is all the rage these days with the guys who do things like go to Montauk on the weekend. But if he really wanted to go there, he shoulda showed off that physique with a knitted top or something see-through. Instead, we got this white t-shirt, like he's Kelli in her confessionals on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Ciara Miller

Kyle Cooke and Ciara Miller

Look at the most beautiful woman alive! Kyle is there to, although I would not call him beautiful or a woman. I don't even like him very much, despite the push across the internet to make him some puppy dog deserving of my sympathy. If this is a horror movie, then I need the rule broken and this dog killed!

Back to Ciara: wow! She is genuinely done up better than we've ever seen her. This burgundy in the hair is stunning, like Dua Lipa came back from the wreckage of her last album with a 40-week streak on the Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard 200 both. The jewels are demure, but correct, and her glam is unreal. My favorite bit is the dark underage with the more neutral upper lid. It creates such a dramatic effect that emphasizes the severity of the situation.

I also love her play on the cone bra with the spiral, like a deconstructed muslin mockup or undergarment. My only issue, and it's a real nit-pick, is the visible seaming on the illusion lace. I wish they'd paneled it down the sides or back, but maybe there's an effect at work that's lost when she sits, like that Jennifer Tilly dress from the RHOBH reunion.

Amanda Batula and West Wilson

For two people in hotter seats than most people on the network — and that's including the criminals and fraudsters — they sure didn't put any effort into the reunion! Granted, I'm sure they're busy, and had trouble sourcing designers who were willing to be attached to the scandal. The yellow is nice enough, sure, but it's just so obviously Ciara's dress from past reunions, it's hard not to think everyone's right that Amanda wanted her former bestie's life.

As for West, I hear reports that his grandmother was murdered the night before. I guess I can extend grace, if slightly. But he had weeks to prepare for this, and it shows a lack of respect for the platform that put him on and even less respect for the girl whose life he blew up for what? A situationship? Notoriety? A permanent platform on some second rate sports network that peddles manosphere talking points?

Yuck!

Mia Alario and Lindsay Hubbard

The two best dressed at the reunion, in my opinion, were Mia and Lindsay. It's hilarious that Lindsay chose to make it all about herself in this red dress, because wow, is it just about the hottest thing ever. I want to make it clear that I've always been a fan of Lindsay Hubbard, even when I stood alone, and my stocks have never been more up. She is, frankly, the greatest anti-hero we've had on this show, and I hope she goes on to many successful years torturing the cast of In the City.

As for Mia — what a breath of fresh air! She's a real hero, and my favorite new cast member in seasons. She's level headed, she can dress well, her glam is stunning, and she's fearless on the reunion couch. Can we ask for anything better? It's just too bad Amanda and West had to go and plant a bomb in the foyer, because this new cast is quite strong.

And, before anyone asks, I don't mind these feathers for once!

A Minion and Bailey Taylor

Bailey was one of the best dressed at the reunion, both because she knows olive green is her color and also because her glam is basically perfect. (It also helps that her breasts are hanging halfway out, a thing we LOVE at PAPER.)

The minion to her left is also finely dressed, although it was really something to see him turn three shades of red while Bailey tore his ego apart. Her ferocity, combined with this incredible dress, made for one of the better moments this reunion. Amidst the darkness, here was a shining light (who simply must be back next season, if these producers know anything that's good and true in the world.)

KJ Dillard and Levi Sebree

I love when besties match! Like Bailey, Levi looked fantastic in this olive sequin number, although I would have loved something to really help it pop. I think it's the earrings, really, and the need for there to be more dynamic movement around the bust and collarbone. (Imagine a dangly little chain, or a simple pendant even.) Drag it up!

KJ's suit was a great choice, although I wish it had been more intentionally disheveled. KJ is cool, with great style, and I thought this was a real opportunity to take a risk with the undershirt or accessories. There's so much fun menswear out and I want KJ to wear it all!

Carl Radke and Jesse Solomon

The best dressed man at the reunion? Carl, obviously, because he's been doing this long enough to really know what works. This color is incredible on him, and I love the monochromatic undershirt with an interesting fit. Jesse, meanwhile, is dressed like a wedding singer in a movie remaking The Wedding Singer. I wish that was a compliment!

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal