Is it love, or just the shadow of my late husband?

Hey Biggie,

Biggie, my heart is in pieces and I don’t know whether to cry or laugh at my own foolishness. I am a widow. It’s been three years since God called my husband home and for a long time I closed that door completely. I thought my heart was buried with him.

Then came this man at my workplace. Biggie, the moment I saw him, it felt like my late husband had walked back into my life; except this man has even more of the qualities I used to adore. The same tall frame, the same deep, soothing voice, the gentle way he talks to people and a sense of responsibility that makes your heart melt.

The trouble is, he is deeply, strictly married.

Biggie, I have tried to drop signals that could light up a whole runway. I flirt with him, I compliment his suits, I bake for him and I give him those long looks under the pretext of work. And he responds! He smiles, he banter-flirts back, he compliments my hair and he gives me those warm eyes. But the moment I try to cross the invisible line, maybe suggesting we grab a late-night drink or hinting at something more, he skillfully side-steps it like a veteran politician!

He maintains a wall that not even a sledgehammer can break. He won’t even accommodate me as a side chick! He treats me with absolute respect, but keeps me strictly in the ‘workplace friend’ box. I am falling head over heels for a man who is completely unavailable and the rejection—even though it’s polite—is tearing me apart.

Am I losing my mind, Biggie? Why can’t I let go of someone who clearly belongs to another woman?

Madalitso,

Limbe.

Madalitso,

My dear, take a deep seat and let’s talk heart-to-heart, because what you are dealing with is not just about this man—it is about your healing.

First, let us diagnose the situation: you are not necessarily in love with him; you are in love with the ghost of what you lost. When a woman loses a good husband, the heart creates a mold. The moment a new man comes along who fits that exact mold, your mind automatically transfers all your unexpressed love, grief and longing onto him. You aren’t just seeing him; you are seeing your late husband’s memory wrapped in a fresh suit.

Now, let’s look at this man. You say he flirts back, but draws the line at anything further. Do you know what that is? That is a man who enjoys a little harmless workplace bantering to lighten his day, but values his marriage and his peace of mind too much to step into the fire!

And, honestly, Madalitso, God is protecting you through that man’s boundary.

Think about it: if he actually accepted to make you his side chick, the illusion would shatter instantly. You would go from remembering a noble, honourable late husband to sharing a secretive, stressful and toxic arrangement with a cheating man. The prestige you see in him right now would evaporate the second you had to hide in the backseat of his car!

You are a woman of grace, Madalitso. You survived the heaviest heartbreak a spouse can face. Do not demote yourself from a respected widow to a hidden secret in another woman’s story just because a man reminds you of what used to be.

The fact that your heart is fluttering again is actually a good sign—it means your soul is ready to love again! But you are looking in the wrong direction.

Wipe your tears, step back from the office flirtation and give yourself permission to date single, available men who can give you their whole heart, not just the crumbs from their lunch break.

Koma chonde, osadandaula kwambiri; madzi akwaeni sathetsera ludzu!!!