Op-Ed: On Love Is Blind’s Edmond And Why You’re Not Owed Sex In A Relationship

Although dating reality shows and competitions currently dominate the TV landscape, I’m not one who can stomach them. I used to, but what I found after years of following some of the most popular programs (and writing about them) was that it seemed producers desired to spotlight individuals with the most unresolved trauma, pairing them with people who were incapable of handling their instability, as opposed to actually helping good people find love. It weighed on my moral compass. So I tapped out for years.

However, while traveling this past weekend, a colleague kept talking about the latest season of Love Is Blind on Netflix and how chaotic it already was. I listened to her spill the tea about the drama that had already unfolded, but told her I wouldn’t be tuning in. And then, without searching, scenes from the latest season started to roll into my Instagram Feed because I follow Netflix’s pages, and there he was: Edmond. My eyes bugged out. No way, I thought.

But instead of judging him based on a few seconds of clips out of context, no matter how confusing, I decided to do the only thing that made sense: binge-watch all six current episodes of Season 9. I was working from home, so I let them play.

People have a lot of thoughts about Edmond, theories about why he behaves the way he does: moving about with boundless, childlike energy, kissing the ground in front of the rest of the guys because he’s craving some affection, admitting that he eats his boogers, talking in a voice that often resembles a whine, and of course, crying often—even for other people. Edmond, being in touch with his feelings, can be a good thing in many ways. But his inability to regulate those emotions proved not to be a good thing when he and KB disagreed about sex, what it means to them, and the lack thereof, in their newly minted engagement.

His upset came once she divulged that every other couple who had gotten engaged was having sex (which he actually already knew, because the guys told him that during the pool party…). Edmond started to question her in response, noting that he was “giving you my all” and in return wasn’t getting anything. But that’s not true. Since the moment KB and Edmond connected in the pods, she’d given him a safe space to open up about his childhood, which included being in the foster care system often. She didn’t shame him for crying. She complimented him frequently before and after meeting him, and seemed to embrace his quirks.

In return, she found herself shamed by Edmond for having had one-night stands in the past. His feeling was that if she could give her body to men she didn’t care about, why couldn’t she give it to him? They were engaged for goodness’ sake! And so, he cried, and he whined about the problem with being “the nice guy” all the time. I got the vibe that he meant not having a certain edge didn’t do him any favors with women, which I can see. In his defense, the conversation he and KB had during episode six about how he would protect her if a man accosted her in the club felt a bit odd — as though she wanted to hear him say he would beat someone up, even though that’s not the kind of guy he is. I get that she doesn’t want to always have to be so independent and strong, but he never came off like a whoopin’ a– and taking names kind of guy anyway.

Still, his meltdown was outrageous. Where he really went wrong was believing that he’s entitled to KB’s body just because they’re engaged to be married. They still don’t know each other that well. In post-episode interviews, she revealed that she’d been celibate for more than half a year leading up to doing the show. And most importantly, you are not entitled to anyone’s body — relationship, engagement, marriage, whatever.

But therein lies the problem with the way people often view sex within a marriage. I notice it in the discourse that’s had when women post videos on social media about their husbands slapping them on the butt when they’re already overstimulated and cooking dinner; when they joke about being too tired for sex while their husbands give them the eye at bedtime;getting all dolled up to go hang out with friends only to have their husbands ask them to stay back for a roll in the hay. It’s all jokes, but relatable. Still, despite the harmless fun, anything that gives the impression that the wife is not overjoyed by the idea of her man wanting her receives a response to the effect of — “I’m sure his side chick would appreciate it!” The ‘ol, what you won’t do, someone else will guilt-trip.

Sure, you want to please your partner. But we’re humans. There are times when you’re going to be exhausted by the day’s events, especially if you’re a parent, and the idea of putting extra time and effort into sex when you want to crash at 9 p.m. is going to stress you out. There will be times when you’re too busy. And then there will be days when you’re simply not in the mood. No one should feel compelled to force it in order to maintain peace.

Now, if there is no desire to engage in sexual intercourse with your partner more often than not, then that is, of course, a deeper issue that should be addressed, including through counseling. And your relationship doesn’t need to be in the pits of hell for you to seek out therapy. It can be a great form of maintenance on the day-to-day journey, helping you communicate and understand one another better. It can possibly uncover that you’re never in the mood because you’re not feeling or seeing expressions of love from your partner until they want you to drop your drawls…

Sex within a union is not based on duty. We are not owed one another’s bodies because you say “I do.” You aren’t due sex because you’re nice to your partner. We are still individuals with agency who have the right to say no or “maybe tomorrow?” when we need to. Because while unattached people may have sex with anyone whenever they want, just because they feel attracted to them, within a relationship, sex has to be deeper than a physical thing in order for it to last. It’s about intimacy, connection, and an appreciation for one another. And that ties into love languages. You can easily have sex with your partner, even when you’re not always 100 percent there, if your needs are being met. If you appreciate the way they make you feel. If you see them do for you and for your family on a daily basis and value their contributions. If they do words of affirmation because they know that is what you need. There is no greater turn on than a partner who listens and adapts. That is a good man, Savannah!

But is Edmond a good man? For KB, that remains to be seen, so she did the right thing. She did what honestly all of the women on the show should have done, which was wait, at least a little time, to know if their person was who they really claimed to be, to see if the connection was deeper than a rushed “I love you” in the pods, to know if they were worthy, as she puts it, of “coochie.” And by choosing to wait, she was able to see what she may not have been able to otherwise, which is that Edmond is too caught up on comparing himself to other people, and on viewing love, because of his past experiences, as something that needs to be proven by showing how into a person you are, including by having sex. But she has been loving, by being consistent, supportive and kind in all their broadcast interactions.

I don’t know what the future holds for this couple, though it seems they will likely at least make it to the wedding episode. However, he has a lot of work to do on himself before he steps into marriage, whether it be with KB or any other woman. Because if he thought being “nice” or rubbing and licking on feet entitled him to someone’s body, as so many believe, he’s got it all wrong.

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