Sex Talk: Don’t just do; bring some skill!
I will never forget the wife who ditched her newlywed husband two days after their wedding. His crime? Bringing a dull fizzle to the wedding night and even the night after that, “when I gave him a chance to redeem himself”. True Ugandan story, by the way. They had booked the honeymoon suite in one […] The post Sex Talk: Don’t just do; bring some skill! appeared first on The Observer.
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I will never forget the wife who ditched her newlywed husband two days after their wedding. His crime?
Bringing a dull fizzle to the wedding night and even the night after that, “when I gave him a chance to redeem himself”. True Ugandan story, by the way. They had booked the honeymoon suite in one of the top Kampala hotels, and ‘bruh’ fumbled big time.
His celibate-by-choice, but sexually- experienced wife, waited until morning and asked that they leave separately, so that she could go and properly pack up her apartment then move into their marital home.
“My dear, I never left that apartment!”
I always chuckle at the wife’s unapologetic boldness. I will spare you the details of what new husband did wrong in the rose-petaled bed, but just know, she felt she could not fix it even in fifty years, so she ran for the hills.
Unheard of in Uganda, you would think, yeah? Well, it happened. These things matter. Maybe more today than they did for other generations. A Millennial, who I know as being more than eager to marry, asked me recently: “Why are marriages of people my age lasting no more than two years? It is making me think twice about marrying at all!”
Well, bad or no sex, is one of the reasons. Older people have always had that sense of ‘shame’ (okukwatibwa ku nsonyi); false modesty that sought to protect and be secretive; as well as a huge investment in the institution of marriage that made them strongly believe that a terrible marriage was better than no marriage at all.
So, they hang in there, even when their spouses turned out to be night dancers or These young people, on the other hand, are made of something else. You fumble a kiss twice and s/he is out of there.
You bring unenjoyable sex to the table – bed, or wherever – and they are gone for the hills. So, it does not matter what you know, it could be better. Educate yourself, but also teach yourself to be emotionally involved during lovemaking.
Don’t do things mechanically, because your ssenga told you they move this way-that way, count to ten and then say this and that! Be fully involved. Don’t approach foreplay perfunctorily, squeezing a breast painfully here while kneading the other one like you are looking for an analogue radio signal!
And by all means, do not just dive for her, unless it is a one-off quickie – a stolen moment grabbed with haste and excitement by both of you. But if your M.O is to go in for the kill with no preamble, my friend, you are dealing with a skittish generation when it comes to marriage.
And like I told my Millennial friend who asked why the divorce rate seems too high from her observation point, let us normalize talking about sex even during courtship, let alone in marriage and during the lovemaking itself.
I think about that poor husband who went home to wait for his bride, and got divorce papers instead. She admits, she never told him what went wrong, because in Africa we generally just do the sex; we don’t talk about it. In her case, maybe discussing it with him and finding solutions together could have saved that union; running felt easier. Whatever it is you are doing, add emotion, thought, affection and skill. People are tayyad; they are not as tolerant as our parents and grandparents were.
caronakazibwe@gmail.com
The post Sex Talk: Don’t just do; bring some skill! appeared first on The Observer.
