Steven Ivory: The Cult of Succinct Communication

*I’m seriously considering forming a cult.

Cults have existed since the beginning of time. But in this era of lies, gullibility, and conspiracy theories, the concept is making a particularly serious run.

There are more groups and organizations that can be classified as cults than there are Starbucks locations and podcasts—that’s how desperate folks are to believe in whatever co-signs their thinking. The yearning is strong enough that some people embrace anything.

A cult isn’t for everyone, which is why it’s a cult. However, if your beliefs are just a smidgen outside reality—if you interpret your neighbor’s dog’s bark as instructions from the Mothership, or if everything you hear or read is met with personal doubt or twisted by you to mean something it absolutely isn’t—then, if you’re not already a card-carrying member of a cult, you might be ready to join one.

I don’t know much about launching a cult. But I do know that cultism requires a doctrine and people to embrace it. My cult majors in eliminating what I call zombie-speak: clichés, slang, and catchphrases that most of us mistake for succinct communication without considering what we’re truly saying.

For example, my cult is declaring war on sentences that begin with “I guess what I’m saying is…” You’re not guessing; you’re making a salient point or expressing an opinion. It’s not a guess. Stop saying that.

I’m not gonna lie (another annoying cliché): my cult can free you from the clutches of saying “literally.”

Literally.

Nothing will lose your place in line at the Kool-Aid vat of my cult faster than following a statement with the ever-rhetorical “Does that make sense?” Everything you said made sense—until you asked that question and rendered it all senseless.

See, my cult believes in better communication through conscious listening.  The person you should listen to most is yourself.  Pay attention to what you say, and you’ll be surprised by what you mean to say and what comes out of your mouth.

Listen to what you say when you speak, and you might discover that you use “like” way too often. By the way, not everything is “amazing.” Reach into your soul—or into my cult’s Bible, the thesaurus—and find other words.

No more capping a thought with, “whatever.”

Ever been trapped in the verbal hell that is a conversation with someone who utters “youknowwhatI’msayin’?” every other sentence?  In my cult, you will learn how to resist the urge to answer that question every time it’s asked, before you simply decide to slit your wrists.

My cult worships at the altar of the TH. It’s earthquake, not “earFquake,” it’s with, not “WiF,” and it’s not “LooFa” (as in Vandross).

Among my cult’s tenets: when a phone conversation has been declared over, you can’t then take forever to hang up. Perhaps you know somebody like this (you?): You’re chatting. After you both agree to hang up, they proceed to do a verbal stroll that lasts several more minutes. It goes something like, “Okay, have a nice day…I’ve got to head over to such and such today and return this or that and bla, bla, bla…” Hey. We said goodbye.  Wrap it up. Adios.  Go.  Hang up.

Using “Bro” in any context will result in immediate excommunication from the cult. No exceptions.

You can’t be in my cult if you keep retelling stories to people who’ve already heard them from you a zillion times. Self-awareness is a cornerstone of my cult, and doing that clearly shows a lack of it. If we’re having a casual conversation and you start with “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” and I realize you’ve told me this one before and say “You told me this,” you can’t then continue telling me a redesigned version of a story you’ve told me 19 times this year.

Wait a minute…I do that.

Well, hey, it’s my cult. What kind of cult leader would I be if I didn’t insist you do as I say, not as I do?

Steven Ivory, veteran journalist, essayist, and author, writes and discusses popular culture across various platforms, including the Internet, TV, radio, documentaries, magazines, and newspapers. The Last Man on AOL is at STEVRIVORY@AOL.COM

(If You Like/Appreciate This EURweb Story, Please SHARE it!)

RELATED NEWS ON EURWEB.COM: Search steven ivory Steven Ivory: I bought it. Now, if Only I Could Open it.

We Publish Breaking News 24/7. Don’t Miss Out! Sign up for our Free daily newsletter HERE.

The post Steven Ivory: The Cult of Succinct Communication appeared first on EURweb | Black News, Culture, Entertainment & More.